Your Nervous System Is Fried—Let’s Fix That with the Vagus Nerve
A Jaded Hippie Guide to Actually Calming the Fuck Down
Look, if you've ever said "I'm fine" while clenching your jaw, shallow breathing, and feeling one passive-aggressive email away from a complete breakdown, congratulations—you’re the proud owner of a dysregulated nervous system. Welcome to the club. We have snacks. And trauma.
But before you self-diagnose with 14 TikTok disorders or start Googling “why do I feel like a constantly vibrating chihuahua,” let me introduce you to your vagus nerve—your body’s built-in reset button that’s been screaming “HELP ME HELP YOU” this entire time.
So, What the Hell Is the Vagus Nerve?
The vagus nerve (pronounced like “Vegas,” but way less likely to ruin your credit score) is the longest cranial nerve in your body. It starts in your brainstem and meanders its way through your neck, chest, heart, lungs, and lands in your gut—like a spiritual tour bus hitting all your vital systems.
It’s the MVP of your parasympathetic nervous system—aka your “rest and digest” mode. This is the state where your body repairs, restores, and stops acting like it’s in a zombie apocalypse. If your life feels like a non-stop stress response, guess what? Your vagus nerve is probably sleeping on the job—or more accurately, under-toned and neglected like your high school clarinet.
Why You Should Give a Shit About Toning It
Toning your vagus nerve isn’t just a cute wellness trend—it’s the key to healing from stress, trauma, burnout, and that general existential WTF-ness we all feel while doomscrolling.
A healthy vagus nerve helps with:
Calming anxiety and panic attacks
Better digestion (hello, gut-brain connection)
Improved emotional regulation
Decreased inflammation (because you’re not just “sensitive,” you're inflamed, babe)
Enhanced intuition (yes, your vagus nerve is basically your third eye’s ride-or-die)
Basically, it’s the bridge between “I’m about to lose it” and “I got this.”
Nerd Break: What the Hell Is Polyvagal Theory?
Ohhh you thought the vagus nerve was just a “chill switch”? Buckle up, babe. We’re about to get real nerdy, real fast—and it actually explains why you freak out, shut down, or cry in the Target parking lot.
Polyvagal Theory, created by Dr. Stephen Porges, says your nervous system isn’t just on/off like a light switch. It’s more like a ladder—with three emotional states you move between throughout the day.
The Three Polyvagal States:
🟢 Ventral Vagal – Safe & Social
You’re calm, present, emotionally available, maybe even dare I say joyful. You can talk to people without wanting to set anything on fire. This is where healing, connection, and creativity happen.
🟡 Sympathetic – Fight or Flight
You’re anxious, wired, edgy. Heart racing. Voice tight. Ready to punch a wall or run into the woods. Not ideal for relationships, decision-making, or looking hot in selfies.
🔴 Dorsal Vagal – Freeze & Shutdown
You go numb, disassociate, feel hopeless or checked out. You’re a potato with a pulse. This is your nervous system’s emergency shutdown protocol, and yeah—it sucks.
So What?
Polyvagal Theory explains that you can’t think your way out of these states. You have to feel your way out—by working with your body (hello again, vagus nerve!). When your nervous system gets good at bouncing back up that ladder, you become more resilient, more embodied, and way less likely to melt down over a text that says “we need to talk.”
This is trauma healing, nervous system edition. It’s not just for therapists—it’s for anyone who’s ever snapped at their mom, ghosted a friend, or cried during a Subaru commercial.
How to Stimulate the Vagus Nerve Without Becoming a Full-Time Monk
Let’s be real—you’re not about to live in a cave and chant for six hours a day. You’ve got bills, trauma, and probably a 9-to-5 that makes your soul leak out of your ears. So here are some actually doable ways to work with your vagus nerve:
1. Breathe Like You’re Not in a Crisis
Slow, deep breathing—especially exhaling longer than you inhale—tells your nervous system, “We’re not about to die. Calm down, Brenda.”
Try this:
Inhale for 4 – Hold for 2 – Exhale for 6.
Do this for 3 minutes and feel yourself uncurl from fight-or-flight.
2. Sing, Hum, or Chant Like a Weirdo
The vagus nerve loves vibration. Your voice is medicine. Sing in the car, hum in the shower, chant “OM” like you mean it—or just gargle if you’re in a mood.
3. Get Cold AF
Cold water on the face, the neck, or finishing your shower with 10 seconds of icy water is like slapping your nervous system into calmness. You’ll hate it and love it at the same time. Like yoga. Or growth.
4. Move Your Damn Body
Neck rolls, gentle yoga, dancing like no one’s watching—these help re-regulate your system. The vagus nerve wraps through your core, so anything that loosens up tension there helps.
5. Laugh. Hard.
Big belly laughs. Ugly snorts. Memes that make you pee a little. Humor activates your parasympathetic state. And if anyone side-eyes your cackling, just tell them it’s doctor-prescribed.
The Sacred Layer (Because Obviously)
Want to make it sacred? Add some of this to your vagus ritual:
Chakra focus: Throat (expression), Heart (connection), Solar Plexus (empowerment)
Crystals: Blue lace agate, lepidolite, black tourmaline
Moon phase work: New moons = reset your nervous system. Full moons = release stored trauma.
Affirmation chant while breathing:
“It is safe to relax. I am not in danger. My body remembers peace.”
Bottom Line:
You don’t need to burn sage on a Himalayan cliff to heal. You just need to befriend your nervous system. The vagus nerve isn’t woo—it’s science with soul. And when it’s working? So are you.