Thanks for the Breakdown: A Gratitude Page for the Ford Fusion That Tried to Ruin My Life

I am grateful for…

1. The surprise gift that came with surprise trauma
Shout-out to my dad for the generous and thoughtful gesture. And shout-out to Ford for building a car with the emotional stability of a haunted Roomba. One week in and she’s already collapsing in the driveway like a drunk bridesmaid. Iconic.

2. The luxury of walking
I’ve discovered muscles I forgot I had while walking everywhere during the three-week “hostage situation.” Thanks, Fusion. You’ve turned me into a cardio queen against my will.

3. The $2800 spiritual offering
I didn’t just pay for repairs. I paid to learn trust no bitch, especially not a 2011 Ford. That money wasn’t wasted—it was a down payment on wisdom.

4. The swift betrayal
Most toxic relationships take time to unravel. But this one? Two hours after the reunion and she’s already leaking oil like a jilted prom queen on the church steps. If cars could cry, this one would sob 5W 20 Synthetic Blend.

5. The ongoing mystery light show
The check engine light reappearing like a stage 5 clinger? Honestly, I’d be worried if it didn’t. At this point, it’s just her way of saying “I missed you.”

6. The brake job foreshadowing
Brake pads and rotors—she wants it all. What a diva. But at least she’s consistent in her desire to keep me emotionally and financially unsafe.

7. The comedy I didn’t sign up for
You know what’s funny? Not this. But the fact that I’m still standing while this car practically dissolves into fluid and debt? That’s dark comedy gold. Someone call HBO.

8. The lowered expectations
Every time I get in this car, I whisper, “Just get me there, bitch.” And honestly, that’s a level of surrender only monks and car trauma survivors understand.

9. The chance to say, “This is a fucking plotline”
Because when I look back, I won’t remember the specs. I’ll remember the audacity. And the fact that I didn’t let it drag me down, even when it was literally leaking in my driveway.

10. The main character energy
Let’s be real—I’m not a side character in this. I’m the badass protagonist in a redemption arc that starts with leaking oil and ends with upgraded transportation and unmatched grit.

Power Mantra:

“May my next ride be reliable, drama-free, and built to worship me like the resilient, road-hardened queen I am.”

xo,

Jade